| (no subject) |
[Dec. 23rd, 2009|07:11 am] |
|
Open Diary is down. Feels like I've lost a friend. |
|
|
| R.I.P Felicity |
[Dec. 20th, 2009|12:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
My dad said he didn't mind covering the cost of the cremation. So yesterday morning I spent some time with Fis. She didn't want me to hold her and pet her. Instead she just wanted to walk her paces and whine. She did eat some of Sophie's food which she seemed to enjoy. The parts leading up to it all were terrible. The walk to the car, the drive, standing in the vets off. I stayed through the traqilizer, It made her terribly anxious before it calmed her down, she was whining and panting and trying to break free. Then she suddenly calmed. we put her on the towels they had laid out for us and the vet came back with a pink syringe. After so many years of waking up every few hours to make sure she was still breathing, it was strange to watch her breathe slow. My mother, sister, and I we all of course crying. In fact we were crying so much that the vet tech and the vet ( who is in his 80's) began crying as well. I didn't hyperventilate like I thought I would. I think having my family there crying with me helped.
We stayed for a few min to pet Fis and cover her up. Then we went to get therapy frozen yogurt and to watch Avatar in 3D. It was escapism at its best. My mom went into the apt and grabbed Sophie so that I could take her with me to Jennifer's. Mama stayed behind to get rid of Fis's things so I wouldn't have to. At Jennifer's we got drunk and played a bunch of Wii. I thought about taking a valium, but a possible pending drug test kept me from taking one. There was so much distraction and so many people around the whole day that I didn't even have the chance to cry after the vet's office. I took an ambian last night so that I could go to sleep without thinking about things, and then woke up crying.
I keep finding these little empty spaces of time void of enough distraction to keep me from thinking of things. In these spaces I cry, and sometimes can't stop crying. I don't even feel sad. I don't feel the emotion, but my body is going through the motions of it. I still feel like I can't breathe
Right now my mother is babbling to me about everything that she ate last night at a Christmas party. I Don't want to be here today. It makes me sad to look around this apartment and not see fis. I have already thought I heard her a couple of times. But it was just Sophie or the cat upstairs. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 19th, 2009|11:07 am] |
|
I can't stop crying and I still have an hour before I take fis in to the vet to be put to sleep. I already feel like I can't breathe. I might just hyperventilate when it comes time. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 18th, 2009|05:43 pm] |
Yesterday Fis had a mini stroke or something. Ever since she's been getting trapped in corners and freaking out and screaming about every 5 seconds. It's like she doesn't remember that she has a reverse mode, she just stands there, with her face burried in a corner, behind the couch, or on a chair leg and howls. The frequency has decreased a bit since yesterday, but her non stop whining, pacing, and falling down combined with her lack of appetite has convinced me that her quality of life is terrible and I just shouldn't let her live like this. Euthanasia is a tricky issue. deciding when is the right time is difficult, and the stress of not having money or a job left it impossible for me to make the decision. UAB is currently doing a background check on me, which means that a job may very well be in the works. This recent news allowed me to breathe a little bit more easily and some how now I feel like I can handle Fis's death without going batshit crazy.
Her vet in Bham will do it for free, but if I want her cremated ashes, it will cost $170. Ideally I would like to spread her ashes on the beach on the coast, but I'm not sure that my father will be willing to contribute that amount of money. He's experienced a lot of grieving of relatives since his first pet's death, so while he has been very sympathetic and kind, I'm not sure if he remembers what it's like when one faces their first major grieving. If he isn't, then I'll go down to the coast tomorrow or Sunday and have it done down there so that Fis can be buried in the back yard with my sister's first dog, Victoria. BUT if I do that, I don't know if I'll be up for driving back to Birmingham Christmas Eve so that I can spend Christmas day with my mom only to turn around and drive to the coast the day after Christmas to spend with my dad. If I don't spend Christmas in Bham with Mama and Jennifer, I'll just feel like I'm ruining their holiday. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
darkwoebringer's Friends Page